REDs, recovery and recognising patterns

How did you come across Project Red-D?

I came across it via Instagram. It was recently a topic in my studies and something that really resonated, and then I read Karen’s blog post before Christmas, and it was like, wow, I resonated with it so much. I reached out to her and I said thank you for writing that and being so open about it. 

What about the Project resonated with you?  

It was the openness, and the conversation about under-fuelling not being noticed, it doesn’t always escalate to something clinical, but it's still present, it’s presenting itself as REDs.  

But also the mental side, you become so exhausted and you lose this passion and this spark and this motivation to keep going because the industry itself is very hard psychologically.

I think that REDs is probably affecting more people than we're aware of.

I could resonate with that because the times that I was under fueling, I was struggling psychologically as well and struggling to find my passion to dance.

What were the particular triggers that led to you under-fuelling?

There was never one or two triggers and it evolved with my training and career. 

I also would never say that it was just ballet that was the trigger. I think we all have coping mechanisms and my coping mechanism was that, anytime I was dealing with a lot of stress, that'd be my way of dealing with it.

The dance world does add that pressure, the costumes we wear are very revealing, we're in skin tight clothes all the time, and I think especially if you're at school and you don't have this healthy relationship with your body, it carries on to the rest of your career. 

One that I can distinctly remember was a dancer in our class who had an incredible jump. Now I know that it's partly genetic, certain people have a type of muscle fibres that are more favourable to explosive jumps, but in my head at the time, I thought she's very skinny so that's why she's so light and she can jump. I have to be skinnier so that I'm lighter to get off the floor, and that was my rationale.

My lack of knowledge led me to this thought pattern, it didn't follow me throughout my whole career, but there was always a comparison element and a sense of control. If you can't control the outcome of your casting or the way you're being treated, the fueling part is controllable.

When did you learn about REDs? 

I came across the female triad quite late in my career and it was something that did resonate with me because I was struggling with getting regular menstrual periods. 

I was aware of it, but not enough to take action and I had a reluctance to take action. I think sometimes when you're dancing, you think that you're invincible and you forget what the future consequences are.

Later, when I started studying dance science I had professors who were researching it and had really hard evidence, and experts in hormonal health addressed it, and it was a very triggering lecture because I could resonate with so much and the penny dropped. 

My hormones took a good year and a half after I stopped dancing to normalize. That for me was a clear sign I needed to focus on what my  body needs and prioritise fueling enough.

When you were actively dancing were there conversations around your fuelling?

I was approached a few times because I was on the underweight side, but it was always very hush hush. My teacher would say I'm not allowed to say anything to you, but are you fueling enough? Are you okay? 

There was the impression the director quite liked it if the girls were towards the lower weight, towards a lower BMI, which created an underlying toxic environment, even if it was never explicitly said. 

I had a few very basic nutritionist sessions, but there was never any intervention or educated talks.

When you look back, what would you change knowing what you know now?

It's a hard topic, but I think talking about what fueling is and about healthy nutrition is something that should start from a young age and to have good meal plan ideas, you know, not forcing anyone to follow a strict lifestyle. 

Also to not make it such a taboo topic. So if someone is underweight, it's not a taboo thing, they get the help that they need, and in a sensitive way. 

I think you can tell if someone is under fueling because they can be unaware that they're burning so much and maybe not eating the right kinds of foods, and whether they have an underlying issue or blockage. 

It’s also important to educate teachers as well because our teachers are our role models and I had an example where a teacher said don't have a banana before bed or in the evening after six. That stuck with me for years and it's so warped. 

You've talked about looking at human first, dancer second. What does that mean?

I was never what you’d call a stereotypical “bunhead,” living  the traditional ballet lifestyle.I broke away from it because there was this sense that everything had to be controlled, how to behave, live, how my body was supposed to look.

For me, putting the human first means allowing yourself to live a full life beyond the studio. Ballet can be a beautiful bubble,  it feels like a family, and I cherish that, but it is still a bubble. If we isolate ourselves inside it, we lose touch with the very people we’re trying to reach.

Our audiences exist outside that world. They have lives, relationships, struggles, and joys that don’t revolve around dance. As artists, we’re asked to portray complex characters and deep emotions. Take a ballet like Manon it’s not a fairy tale,  You have to be able to live life to portray this deep sadness, hardship, and even if you've not experienced exactly what that character has felt or experienced what they felt, you can still take something from life and put it into your role and how you express yourself on stage.

How is your relationship with fueling now?

It's definitely much better. I think once you step outside of the dance world, you realize that there is still a long life ahead of you, it's not just this life that you have on stage, and you start thinking about longevity. Longevity for me is way more important. I still love moving my body, but I decide how I move it and when I move it.

My relationship with fuelling has definitely improved. I love running, and of course that requires proper fueling. So it’s not that I’ve stopped thinking about it, it’s just different now. If I decide I want to run a 10K, I know I need to fuel my body properly to support that. 

It also took me a while to be kinder to my body. It's difficult to suddenly go from moving your body every single day, and training every day to now having the choice. Especially for the first year I pushed myself more than necessary until someone asked me, “What’s your goal now?” I wasn’t training to be an elite dancer anymore, and it’s not healthy to maintain that level forever. You need something that builds you up rather than continues to break you down.

It took me a while, but that's the process you learn to find the balance and listen to your body more. 

Through yoga especially, I’ve learned how important it is to be in tune with your body and understand what it needs. Realistically, in the middle of ballet rehearsals, you can’t always say, “My body says no, I can’t do another run-through.” 

Let's be real, I don't think the ballet world is going to accept that kind of mentality anytime soon, but when you take a moment to be in tune with what your body needs and get to know your body, you can build that awareness. 

Sometimes as dancers, especially those from a classical ballet background, we lose connection with what our body needs because we're constantly being instructed to do things. So this has been a real challenge, but also liberating experience to be able to have more autonomy in what my body does and what it needs.

When you look at the future of dancing, whether it's ballet or other disciplines, do you see one where these conversations are less taboo?

Absolutely.  I think it's already getting a lot better. I see it in the school where I'm working, there are nutrition sessions every term and cooking classes. It's definitely becoming more of a conversation topic rather than a taboo topic, and I think if we just keep going this way, baby steps, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I'm optimistic.