Mindfulness at the barre

Acknowledging mental health is a big step in acknowledging the human beyond the dancer. 

I struggled to cope with anxiety during my years at school. I experienced several panic attacks, and my anxiously wired brain fuelled my perfectionism in an unhealthy way. 

Living with this chronic, yet functional anxiety, made me feel so out of control. 

A turning point was when I read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle which gave me a tangible way of understanding my anxiety and helped me see that the past and the future are completely out of our control, and both are illusory. 

Discovering yoga and meditation has also been pivotal in enabling me to be more aware of my anxious thoughts, and I rarely become as anxious as before. 

Learning to feel present 

I am sure you have also heard many versions of: “just be in the moment”, “the only moment is now”, “be fully present”.  Although I understood this rather abstract concept, I couldn’t fully grasp and embody the feeling of being present. 

Until I discovered Yoga, beyond the downward-facing dog, headstands and the Lululemon outfits. I did, however, end up on my own Eat, Pray, Love journey. I went to Bali for 4 weeks for a yoga teacher training course where I learned how to meditate. I used to think that meditation meant thinking of nothing but, although that would be a blissful experience, the reality is not quite so serene and tranquil. 

New to meditation, one to two hours in silence, every morning, seemed like the perfect way to start the morning yet after only 3 days, I would have gladly exchanged it for a ballet barre with a teacher who sets 10 variations of tendu exercises.  

Alone with my anxiously wired mind felt like nothing short of chaos and punishment.  I longed for this euphoric side effect of meditation, the liberating feeling that everyone always talks about, yet I felt exhausted from constantly trying to silence my brain.

As the days went by, I slowly but surely got clarity on what meditation is. Meditation does not necessarily have to mean silence…but rather observation. I learned how to separate myself from my thoughts.

Gradually, the thoughts slowed down and I experienced them objectively and sorted through them more rationally.  My focus turned inward, to the rhythm of my breathing, and I became aware of my body.  This awareness stayed with me as I began the physical yoga practice, my breathing effortlessly synchronised with the movement, and my mind was quiet.

For a brief moment, I experienced being fully present. My mind shifted its focus from my crazy thoughts, and stopped trying to get involved in illusory anxiety, and finally connected with the body and the breath that it belongs to.

The word yoga, derived from the Sanskrit yuj, means ‘to yoke’: to unite, to join, to bring together body, breath, and mind. This unity can only happen in moments of full presence; it is far from a perfectly linear path and some days are definitely harder than others. The trick is to feel and observe these moments without judgment. This is also known and practised as mindfulness. 

The process is like looking into a mirror; gently, yet sometimes harshly, revealing clarity and deepening the relationship with yourself. 

Meditating and mindfulness became easier and something I looked forward to, especially in Bali’s tranquil setting. With the volume turned down on my thoughts, I became aware of all the other sounds around me; I really experienced the feeling of being content. 

The next big challenge would be to bring back this newfound state of being into my everyday life, away from Bali paradise. 

At the barre

I tried mindfulness and being present during the part of my day where my mind usually sped up to its maximum: at the barre. As soon as plies started, my brain began to whir. The barre was where I thought about anything and everything. 

Some days it was all about the turnout, the feet articulated, the frappés striking and the self-criticism and perfectionism mode on high. On other days, it would be a battle to remember the first four counts of the combination, and my mind would wander so far that Google Maps couldn't even find it. 

Fresh from my yoga course, I applied my newfound mindfulness to my barre practice. I turned my attention to my breath, I trusted my body and slowed down my mind to the tempo of the music. 

I heard deeper layers of the music; the sound almost seemed multidimensional and my breath and movement naturally synchronised. I felt more aligned and my muscles and joints knew instinctively what to do. 

Mindfulness for everyday life 

Meditation is an umbrella term for a wide range of practices and techniques used to help calm the mind and promote emotional regulation. Using breathing techniques or body scans are also variations of Meditation, as are listening to music, going for a walk or run, reading, or sitting by the beach or your 30 minutes at the barre. 

Bringing this awareness into my everyday life has alleviated my anxiety tremendously.

This coping strategy became especially helpful as I transitioned away from dancing and having to navigate a completely new job, discovering a new identity, a new rhythm of life and juggling work with studying. I have been able to explore hobbies and activities that encourage mindfulness, and music that brings me back to equilibrium. 

This doesn’t mean that I am always calm and zen and in the present moment, I still have anxious thoughts, yet I am able to notice when they start, why they started and diffuse their potency. I have anxious thoughts, but I rarely become as anxious as before. 

I apply meditation and mindfulness wherever I feel appropriate and I know which tools are in my tool box and when to use them.