Stepping back into the studio

A mirror, a new body, peers, teachers, audiences… I felt terrified. I felt better in myself outside of the studio, but returning to ballet and taking back my identity as a ‘ballet dancer’ was a whole new challenge. 

I felt very detached from the ballet world and although the space I gave myself from the industry was absolutely the right thing for my recovery, it felt very daunting to go back to. 

My love for dance was still there, my passion and drive remained, and now I had strength and endurance that I didn’t have before, however, I was really worried about how others may perceive me. 

New voices appeared in my head. 

‘What if people don’t think I fit as a ballet dancer?’

'Will I be worth less now?’

‘What if they notice my body has changed or judge me for the technique I have lost’ 

As I returned to ballet and gradually spent more and more time in the studio, I was met with these voices. I knew that the time I had committed to recovery was essential for me and that with time I would build back up my technique and ultimately become a stronger dancer than I had ever been. 

I still worried that taking so long away from daily class and exercise in general, might be seen as ‘lazy’ or that I hadn’t been working hard enough. Somehow the time off felt like a failure. 

Reframing the new voices in my head

The words of inspiration on my wall reminded me of all the benefits I would gain in life and the end goal that I was working towards. Ultimately, that healthy weight that I was scared of brought so much joy into my life. The increase in fuelling allowed me to add back all the things I had been missing. 

Accepting you are on your own journey and trying to avoid comparison was a mindset shift that I really tried to embrace. Learning that not every phase of my life could be focused on pushing my body physically and that this recovery stage would ultimately make me stronger and healthier was a defining mindset shift. Giving myself time to recover, not expecting anything to happen fast but trusting that even small, gradual changes were taking me in the right direction. Remembering that your worth and identity are so much bigger than just who you are as an athlete.

Going back and forth between the desire to feel better and the struggle that I felt to overcome the barriers of recovery was very challenging.

 As I think many athletes and dancers can relate to, we are hard-working and taught to strive for a level of perfection that is not always attainable. Instead of listening to our bodies telling us that we are tired, begging for a rest day, we battle against our bodies and push harder and harder. This just doesn’t work. We end up broken. 

Finding the balance between training, recovering, fuelling well and functioning as a happy and healthy human being is difficult but with the right support it is so worth it. 

I was definitely aware of over-analysing everything I was doing and getting away from this has helped me significantly. Eating whatever, just because you feel like it is a good enough reason.  Exercising to feel good and not always for performance helped me a lot. Reconnecting with my body through yoga also helped me.

Ultimately, the time I took out of the studio is what allowed me to get back into it and I am very grateful for this. 

Looking forward  

For anyone who needs to hear this it is definitely possible to recover from REDs and those voices can and will fade away. I now have my life back, my strength has returned, and I am so, so happy!  

Recovering from REDs has been wholly positive and I promise that it is worth all of the effort that recovery takes. This is my reminder to you to keep going and beat those voices inside your head.

This is part 3 of a 3 part series by Alice Abbott. Read part 1 and part 2 of the ‘voices in my head’ series.