Reframing the voices in my head 

‘You are enough in any shape of body’ 

'More fuel, more improving’

‘Discomfort is only temporary - it will pass’ 

‘The healthiest body is the one that FEELS best and fully functions’

‘Strong = happy’

‘If you can’t do it for you, do it for your family’ 

‘Compare less, love yourself more’ 

'Healthy hormones = less injuries and illness’ 

‘Think of all of the adventures ahead, you need strong bones to take part’ 

‘Keep going… you can do it!’

‘Do if for the future you who wants to have a family’ 

Battling the voices that fill your head is tough, but this is one way that I achieved it.

Simple post-it notes stuck on my wall, quoting a few things I wished for my future self. Reframing my negative thoughts and shifting my headspace when it felt stuck in a low place. Reminding myself of all of the rewards that recovery would bring to my life gave me focus and stopped me from spiralling!

For a while I felt like REDs labelled me and I felt so powerless. I saw myself as weak and I was so upset about everything that REDs had taken away from my life that I forgot how good life could be! I was trying and trying everyday to recover but going nowhere and there were some points that I really couldn’t see an end to the battle inside my head.  Having these post-it notes to remind me what I was working towards was the simple motivation I needed to keep going. 

Re-learning to love myself 

People often are unaware of the physical discomfort that comes with trying to gain weight and increasing fuelling. I am here to tell you that I felt it, struggled with it, got through it and can promise it is only temporary! Bloating, uncomfortable fullness and general discomfort in my body, all felt very off-putting and made me want to stop trying to get better. I felt like keeping my usual diet and exercise was easier and made me feel good so I was reluctant to change anything. 

But I knew that I needed to make changes, as much as I felt okay some days, my body had been giving me multiple warning signals and I needed to stop and finally listen to them. 

I realised it wasn’t normal to break down when tiny changes happened in my life, it didn’t feel healthy to cry when someone else cooked for me or to feel guilt over an ‘extra’ snack or dessert. 

These things used to upset me and fighting to stop the voice in my head has been so worth it, because I no longer worry about any of this. 

Accepting temporary discomfort for bigger goals and my long term health and happiness was crucial. On the days when I felt like the physical symptoms were telling me to stop trying to get better, I instead had to choose to show myself a little bit of extra kindness and to celebrate the challenge that was helping me to improve my life for my future. 

Having to physically rest was incredibly challenging. Re-learning my relationship with exercise and rest was a delicate balance and trying to recover this was definitely not linear. 

Ups and downs 

It is completely okay to experience a lot of ups and downs, it is normal and definitely doesn’t mean you are going backwards. 

When I first started fuelling more and investing in my recovery, I still didn’t feel like I had more energy straight away. I was disheartened because my injuries still took a while to heal and it was a struggle to keep motivated when I wasn’t always seeing progress. 

There were days where I felt I could rest and accept where my body was; other days when I felt like I had to be training even when injured. I often felt that I never knew what was right, like my body and brain were battling each other. 

Reminding myself that the goal was to restore energy and trusting my support network was crucial to overcome this mental battle. 

I did get better, I got my energy back and my injuries healed and all of the struggles were worth it. It took time but the reward is incredible and now I am able to do all of the things I had dreamed about during recovery.

Now I can look back on the post it notes as they fall off my wall and feel full of gratitude for my past self who committed to recovery. 

Gradually I fought off those voices that filled my head until they faded away. Recovery has helped me to achieve the life I live today, full of happiness, health and strength. I am so proud to have beaten REDs and I promise that you can too.

This is part 2 of a 3 part series by Alice Abbott. Read part 3 of the ‘voices in my head’ series.